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karhmasrival
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Name: Ish
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 1/6/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: robotics, time travel, and paper modeling
Expertise: interests = expertise
Occupation: "The Scientist"
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/20/2003
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| At least I'm good at my job. I have a place to sleep tonight. And I ate at least one quasi-meal today.
Count your blessings.
I'm still so lonely. But I'm forcing myself to try thinking about Rene without feeling that sick stabbing feeling in my chest. Slowly. One fine day I won't care at all. And maybe I'll get lucky and he will die in some freak accident. Then I can forgive him easily, say goodbye for real, and hug his parents and tell them I'm sorry for their loss. Inside I will think, "You weren't sorry for me when I lost him, but I'm the bigger person."
I need a haircut or some new clothes or something. Something to make me look and feel better.
And chocolate. Oh man do I want some chocolate right now. mmmm
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| I just realized I've been sitting in front of the computer for hours not doing anything. Gmail is open and all I am doing is glancing over at it every few minutes. I think I'm waiting for him. I don't know what for. I just want to sit here and wait for him. I don't know why. I can't let go. I have not been very strong through this. Wish I was stronger.
I keep dreaming about him. Him and only him.
I tried to cut myself off from him.
Maybe I succeeded.
But now I miss him so much.
Such a loss.
My only friend.
My only love.
It's like half of me is missing.
The better half of me.
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| Can people be friends with their Ex's?
RARELY.
I'm not saying it's impossible, but it usually doesn't work. Rene won't feel guilty if we stay friends, but me, well it kills me to think about how he replaced me. Like I've been in a mental breakdown for more than a month now, and I'm still having panic attacks about it and crying at night.
I don't know how to shake him from my mind. I don't know how to move on without having my own friends here. I need to quit wallowing in my own misery but without something else to put my mind on, I feel lost.
he has to have his way. He always had to have his way. I never won any arguments with him. He didn't care about leaving me alone for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and barely making it back for my birthday. Maybe what I need is to make a list of all the reasons I hate him, and none of the reasons I liked him.
Hmm... that should be pretty easy at this point.
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| What do I do? Where do I go? At least I know no one reads this anymore. No reads me anymore. Which is probably for the best. I'm not a happy book. I'm not a good read. I'm the book you put down after a chapter, the one you never finish. I'm the one people find in basement garages. I'm half buried alive already.
What's a life not worth living? Where do I go?
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| Man, it's a fucking shit blizzard. The winds of shit have blown in again, raining down freezing shit drops and shit snow. Today there was thunderstorm while I was looking at a new apartment a few streets away. It started pouring, so I had to stay at the house for a few more minutes than necessary. It was dirty. Like really really dirty. The guy whose room I would take was sent to prison for like 30 years. All his shit is STILL in the room. The stove was pulled out of the wall and was sitting in the living room. The AC was broken. Ok, broken AC in pre-summer Florida. The floor was just indescribably ugly and dirty. There were suitcases all over the place, half full wine bottles in the window sills. The two roommates are 27 and 37 year old males who drink and smoke pot.
The ONLY real selling points for them were affordable rent, no deposit fee, and a really super adorable dog named Chico. He was the big selling point. So, all that bad shit aside, I am still homeless unless I move in there or find a better place.
Not exactly a stepping stone on the road to recovery is it?
Fuck me I don't know what I'm doing. I have just dug myself deeper and deeper into the mounting pile shit that has become my existence.
But today... while I was walking home... I saw a rainbow. Kind of one of those small things that happen in nature that make all the thunderwstorms and all the shitstorms seem not so... stormy.
My mom was right. I have to change myself before expecting others to see what changes I have made already. I haven't really changed. When Rene broke up with me I gave up on everything I had worked towards. The truth is, if I am to be truly honest myself, I have given up and stopped caring about "sobriety" or "recovery". I have been wrapped up so tightly in hurt and pain that I have really blocked myself off to the world.
I remember when I first arrived at Marlboro I made friends with 4 people. We were inseperable. One day, after many hours of smoking pot, Tim said something to me I'll never forget. "You have built up walls around you. Huge towering walls. You have to be the one to take those towers down in order for people to reach you."
One of the first things I told my therapist after Rene broke up with me was, "I'm not alright. I have to distance myself from everyone and everything around me. I won't be able to take down these defenses for a long--- long time."
I was right. I can't. Not the way I am now. And the worst part of it is that I'm a bit worse than before. I don't fucking trust ANYONE. I don't trust any of the people in or out of recovery. I hate half-way houses. I want to grab Rene by the shoulders and scream, "Do you know what you have done?! I'm broke! I'm broke down! My parents are broke and broke down! All of my shit is in Boston, I'm homeless again, and I can't get from here to Boston, to Texas on $0. Not only that, but my mom doesn't want me to see you again, and I don't trust you with my belongings because when I asked you send me one simple package, and bring a few simple objects with you when you came down, you fucked it up by not paying even a tiny bit attention. Now I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. No friends. No home on thye East Coast. What have you done to me? WhO IN THE FUCK DOES THIS TO A PERSON TRYING TO GET SOBER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE?!"
What rainbow can I expect? What silver lining can there be?
I'm dead inside, and you damn well know I'd rather be dead in person.
But not today.
Never today.
Not over Rene, that piece of shit. Not over bullshit scam-artist half-way house landlords. Not over a school that I poured my sweat and blood over. Not over all the worst parts of my history. Not over the beer, or the loneliness, or terror of the unknown.
I've never been a person to hang onto fear, and losing Rene was the biggest fear I had. I ain't scared of anything anymore except starving and living on the streets, and let's face it, I'm pretty much at the point already. Hah. I am.
How could you do this, Rene? I loved you so much. And you loved me. And maybe you stopped loving me, but why did you have to end it this way? While I was out in the middle of the ocean you took your boat and sailed away to find fancier shores. You left me to sink or swim, but with no land in sight, what do I have to swim to?
Have you ever been stuck in a blizzard to the point where you can't pick out directions? I have. It's terribly dangerous and frightening. You have left me in the middle of nowhere, and now there's a shit blizzard and I have no way to get my bearings.
This is the single most selfish thing I have ever known you, or any of my friends, to do.
It shocks me still.
I don't want to rest until I am avenged. For Marlboro, for you, and for half-way bullshit.
The answer still seems to me that the only way to get revenge is to hurt myself. If I can't kill myself I can block myself off forever. I have done that much successfully. God help me. I can't see the rainbow. Today there was a thunderstorm and
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